Posted by: Morgan | January 20, 2012

My little buddy – Part 2

I’m going to cut to the chase for those who are waiting to know how the appointment this morning went: his hearing is perfectly fine.  (For those who aren’t sure what this is all about, see Part 1)

Today they were testing the actual signals his ear sends to his brain, so he had to be asleep for the test. This required us keeping him up late last night and waking him early this morning, as well as not letting him fall back to sleep until we got to the doctor’s office.  That was actually the worst part of the day; having to poke at his face while he was literally almost dead with exhaustion in the car, to keep him awake.

Once we were into the test room, we laid him on his blanket on the table and turned down the lights. They attached electrodes behind his ears and on his forehead. He fell asleep very soon after that.  They put a little bud into each ear and then tested by sending sound into his ears. He slept peacefully through the entire thing.

We got the results right away. No issues. All the sound gets through his ear and is transmitted perfectly to his brain.

This seems inconsiderate to say, but I was really hoping he had a hearing impairment.  I wanted to stop with the ‘easy fix’, the challenge that was known and could be quantified.  The doctor was extremely supportive and encouraging, but the smile on her face felt like it didn’t belong in the room.  She couldn’t assure me that he reactions were normal or on track, even for a “late” developer.  She gave us some brochures to go over, saying so genuinely “This will help you see where he is and where he should be developmentally with hearing. His test results were SO great!”

It was supposed to encourage me, but instead it left me with a paper that told me that, unless my child had hearing issues (which he did not), that he was severely behind where he should be.  I want to stop right now and assure everyone that I’m not talking about realistically realizing that not all children will  hit the average milestones in the average time. Some will be faster and some will be slower, and that’s perfectly normal and totally okay.  I’m not talking about 2-3 months behind his peers; I’m talking 6-9 months behind his peers.

I don’t get how we never saw this before.  My arms feel like lead as I type this… why now? Why didn’t we catch a clue sooner?  And then there’s this annoying voice that rips up through my heart – “Are you sure you’re not being over dramatic? Obviously his hearing is fine. Stop trying to get attention and be a drama queen. Leave him alone, he’s fine.” – I hate that voice. I’m terrified of that voice. I’m scared that it’s right and I’m being stupid.  I’m scared that I’ll listen to it, it’ll be wrong and I’ll regret it.

I feel like a puzzle was dumped in front of me last Sunday, but without a final picture and without all the pieces. Throughout the week new pieces, edges and corners, have been added to the pile – I’m just trying to figure out how they all piece together.  I just got another corner piece and it’s not the corner piece I was wanting. I’m confused, tired, and my arms are heavy. So heavy.  My heart wouldn’t stop racing last night or this morning, like I was nervous or overdosed on a medication.  It made me feel weak and woozy, and I hated it.  I think it was the stress…so much stress.

I know that ECI is going to call me back. And I know that my buddy is happy and still the same little buddy. And I know that God is still holding me. And I know that today is Friday. But that’s pretty much all I know.

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Responses

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I bet that things will become clearer soon!

    • Thanks Kara. It’s been a long week, but we’ve had a nice evening and I know it’ll be fine.

  2. I love you Morgan – your family is amazing and I’m praying for your journey with your precious boy! Let us know if you need anything – babysitting, etc.

    • Thank you dear friend. I’m happy I’ll see you this week.

  3. He’s a beautiful, strong little boy. I’m sorry you didn’t get the answer you hoped for. You just need to be strong and help him grow in anyway you can. Initially, it’s scary when things don’t go as planned but God will help guide you and you will see that it’s not so scary after all it’s just different.

    • My ultimate hope for him is that he loves Jesus and lives a life that is bold and ready to glorify God. 🙂 He can do that no matter what his development is right now. God is good like that.

  4. Morgan,

    I am so sorry to hear about these difficulties. I know that it is stressful and overwhelming. ECI did great things for us with Abby. She was very behind in gross motor development and within a month or two we had some really impressive results. They teach you and the kids at the same time. They really put you at ease and make you realize that this is something that doesn’t have to be overwhelming. I know that they will help you guys and I will be praying for you too. Peace and wisdom. Don’t beat yourself up…we moms tend to over-analyze milestones with the first baby and let it all go with the 2nds because we “know what we’re doing now.” At least you didn’t keep your eyes closed to the issue and you are getting help. Some moms don’t want to recognize that something might be wrong and you are to be commended for doing everything in your power to help your little ones. You are a great mom!

    • Thanks so much Tiffany. It’s nice to know that others have been here too. I’m glad we’ve been connected to ECI

  5. Morgan I just watched L’s birth story and saw how incredibly strong and wise you were then, and now is no different. He is so incredibly blessed to have you holding him, and with God holding you, you have His comfort and wisdom. Here’s my life verse that I pray will speak to you:

    Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
    Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

    Philippians 4:6-7

    Hugs,
    Cassie

    • 🙂 That’s my one of God’s special passages for me. Thank you. He’s been so faithful and still is. I appreciate your reminders to Him. What I needed.

  6. I know that voice, Morgan. When I was searching for answers and had suspicions but nothing to substantiate them with, it nagged me for months. It took a positive test result to legitimize my feelings, after 6 months of searching. Don’t give in to that voice. You know what is normal for your son, and when that normal isn’t right. You know better than anyone on earth and better than he does right now. I had naysayers, telling me I was overreacting to things and that I should calm down. but, I had that other pressure in the back of my mind that kept me searching, the pressure that said, “something isn’t right.”

    When you find the answer, no matter how many tests it takes or how long, you will become completely confident in that answer. The average amount of time that it takes for a diagnosis of Celiac in America is 8-9 YEARS! That means that if I had listened to the advice everyone gave me and just put my son on formula, he would have continually suffered with pain, undernourishment, stunted growth and probably many stints in the hospital from a ragged immunity. The 6 months it took us to find the answer felt like an age, but I look back and am SO BLESSED to know that I didn’t just listen to that voice in the back of my head and give in. I saved my son years of possibly permanent damage.

    If it is something on the ASD, a processing disorder, or something even more out of the ordinary, you will still be saving him YEARS of therapies by finding out now instead of realizing it when it causes problems at school age. So many difficulties can be easily managed before 5 with intervention, whilst after then, it is a lifelong battle.

    I know multiple mama’s who would not even NOTICE the differences or care enough to fix them. I know others who, rather than seeking the root cause, will take a symptomatic fix. These are friends of mine, and this lackadaisical attitude toward their precious babies disgusts me. I know that you, like I, will never give up on finding the answers. I know that you love your babies like the cup that runneth over. I’m so honored to know a Mama like you who will fight the good fight, and like the Proverbs 31 wife stay up late in the night working and rise early to take care of the household. I love you, Morgan, even from afar and I pray God’s blessing and peace on you in this search. May he lift the weight from your shoulders and allow you to see clearly what His will is for Logan and what path He is leading you on.

    • I don’t have the time to write the reply that this comment deserves. Thank you, Linds, because this spoke so much truth to me.

  7. Praying that the Lord will lift you and your family up in his hands and take that heaviness away. Just know that He is in control of all of this, and it is His plan, whether you understand it or not. It’s so comforting to me to know that God is sovereign over all things. Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

    • Thank you so much. The Lord really has His hand on us. 🙂 And Logan is doing great, which makes me happy.

  8. I am so sorry Morgan. Sometimes being a parent is so stinkin’ hard and so painful—trust me, I know. Please don’t beat yourself up about not seeing the delays sooner–that is in the past. The important thing is that you see them now and are doing something proactive–which is at the very heart of parenting, isn’t it? Advocating for your child and seeking the answers and the help you need is what your gut and heart and mind are telling you to do now and I have every confidence that you will get an answer. With delay like that, I am sure it was shocking but not insurmountable with intervention and I am also sure your ECI will be very helpful. Do not weary, lean on the Lord and fight the good fight! My prayers are with you all!
    *Hugs*

    • Thank you so much, Kim. I think ECI’s visit will be very very helpful.


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