Posted by: Morgan | December 23, 2010

“Hold you, mama”

So I’m sitting here blubbering like a baby. Why, you ask? It could very likely be from sheer exhaustion, or the fact that Caleb’s out of town and I was up a lot last night with one baby or the other, or because I was also feverish and achey all night long (which I think was my body’s warning that self-destruct may soon start). Most directly, it was because I was reading a post on (yet another) blog I follow, where my friend Heather was writing a birthday letter to her three-year-old daughter. It was sweet. And it made me miss my Emma, who is at her grammy’s right now (in an attempt for me to get over my ‘fever’).

Lately I’ve been feeling like a failure a lot of the time. My house is very rarely ever completely picked up, to say nothing of fully cleaned. Some days my kids aren’t ever dressed, which I suppose is fine (but sometimes it bothers me). I can’t seem to figure out how to plan meals and actually cook them for dinner, in time for dinner. I feel like I’m running through a brambly forest with a blindfold on in this little world called ‘discipline’ and ‘having a two-year-old’. I have more meltdowns (literal ones, with sobbing, screaming, hyperventilation, having to pull over for fear of wrecking the car) than I think anyone has any right to have. I rely on my husband more to physically get through every day than anyone else I know of does with theirs. I have mom friends who have more kids than I do, take care of their house without help (either because they’re single parents or because that’s their part of the split of responsibility with their husband), make homemade meals every day, and even seem to get additional things done during their days (gardening, writing, reading, side businesses).

This morning Emma woke up a bit earlier than she was really ready to, mainly because Logan and I were awake but hadn’t left the bedroom yet. The three of us sat and talked for awhile, and then Emma started telling me ‘Seep, mama. Seeeeep.” and laying down on her pillow. I pulled her blanket up around her and she asked to ‘Hold you’. I laid my head down on her chest and she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. After a moment I started to pull away and she tightened her grip. “Hold you, mama”. I smiled and melted into her hold for another moment. Once again I tried to pull away and once again she said ‘hold you, mama’ and kept her arms tight to her. I explained I needed to go but that I’d be right back. She didn’t cry or complain, but snuggled down onto her pillow. I knew she would be asleep by the time I returned. I now know I should have stayed snuggled down with her until she fell asleep.

It really doesn’t matter what type of a mother or wife anyone else thinks I am. Aside from attempting to glorify God with my life, the only ones I need to think about in regards to my success or failure is that of my husband and children. My daughter adores me. She wants to be close to me. When she wants to ‘hold you’, she reaches for me. That’s success, my friends. Pure, lovely, perfect success. Almost nothing, and I’m telling myself this over and over, is more important than those moments where I can ‘hold you’. Life can wait; dishes can pile up, laundry can be washed and sorted through later, friends on Facebook can be contacted at any time. But ‘hold you’ doesn’t happen all the time, and it won’t happen forever.

 

…epilogue…

Later when I went to drop Logan off at grammy’s so I could go to an hour-long training for my new part-time job, I jumped inside to see Emma. Her face lit up and she ran to me “Hold you!”. I picked her up and buried my face in her hair, holding back tears. We snuggled but, yet again, I had to put her down and tell her that I had to go but I would be back soon. This time it was necessary, but that didn’t make it easier. When I came back to pick the kids up, though, she had other ideas. As I opened the car door for her to get into her carseat, she looked up at me, waved and said “Buh bye! Seeeah later!” and ran to play. Ah, I love that girlie. I feel less like a failure today. In fact, I feel like a giant success. Only by God’s grace, and every day it’s like walking a tightrope, but it’s really wonderful.

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Responses

  1. Beautiful post, mama.

  2. Honestly, I feel the same way you do alot of the time too. Our house is never fully clean. Our bathroom is cleaned once every two weeks because Oliver isn’t allowed in there and he is allowed everywhere else so I try to keep those other areas clean, although not toy free. I have major meltdowns, and times when I just need Andrew to take Oliver for an hour or two and unfortunately he’s at work so he can’t. Often times Oliver and I are trapped in our house all day, for a few days in a row because Andrew is working and we only have the one car. But when Oliver crawls to me and lifts his hands up for me every bit of stress that is weighing me down melts away and I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything in the world.

  3. *hugs*

    Eh, I don’t even know what to say. I don’t have any kids yet, and my apartment is a mess, if that helps..I don’t have any good reason for it either!

    I’m pretty sure I’ll be like you when this baby comes, or more like you than like those other moms you mention. And that’s okay..and it’s okay that you’re in that spot. and I’m amazed at your willingness to reveal what you see as weaknesses. and I hope I’m able to come to the same conclusion you do when I’m in a similar situation.

  4. (this is completely off topic..but i *love* the new look of your blog! :D)

    • Thanks! I’m slowly working on tweaking it to be what I want it to be.

  5. Oh dear Morgan, I love you so much and you hit it so right on, you are a HUGE success! I (as a mom of 3) can tell you that we all have moments like this some of us are just too proud to admit it and it really does get a little easier every day. I am still learning about what you wrote, to be blissful in the moment and not worry about all the ‘liitle things’, thanks for being my friend who reminds me to only worry about the things that truly matter! We all were created for defferent purposes and yours is to be wife to Caleb and a mom to Emma & Logan, you are doing a GREAt job and I’m so proud of you!

  6. hugs!! You made it through some rough weeks and survived! We ALL have times like that, and I think you’re right when you say that besides the Lord, the thoughts that matter most are your husband and your kids! While it’s important to surround yourself with encouraging women and examples to push toward, it’s also so easy to get into the trap of comparing myself to those same encouragers, when what I/we need to do is just be faithful where the Lord has convicted us to be faithful, disciplined where HE calls us to be disciplined, and flexible where HE calls us to be flexible! We each have our gifts, insights, and place in His body!

  7. i can totally relate! thanks for sharing. it’s so true, the moments these precious ones want and need us and are growing up right before our eyes, are so fleeting, and while other things are important, our kids are worth so much more than anything else calling for our attention. i need that reminder more often than i’d like to admit 😉


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